I recently had a conversation with my sister – telling her I was feeling better. Her response “it’s because you’re busy [at work] that’s why”.
It felt like a blow. Is that what she really thinks? That I make a fuss and feel low when I’m not busy and therefore feel depressed. It’s something she has always said. You aren’t really depressed you’re just overthinking it. It’s so painful. And did I mention she’s a doctor. Maybe one day these comments won’t be so painful. I do keep victimising myself. (It’s so easy). She said something to me. I didn’t have to get upset by it. That much is true. But at the moment- when I’m not so confident in myself, it hurts. A lot. I am sensitive. Hello, that’s just me. Hello – I’m sensitive.
Anyway what really got me thinking was – if my sister thinks this maybe it’s true. Maybe all of this “childhood trauma” stuff is made up. I don’t know. Does it matter what anyone thinks? If I feel like I connect to the Pia Melody method and my psychiatrist has found meaning in it. Doesn’t it mean it’s real? It’s my reality. And all that matters is it’s my reality and I have a therapist who listens and helps me through all this mess. It’s real to me. So there you go. My mum takes my sister’s opinion over mine, she’s the doctor and she must be right.
“There’s nothing wrong with you” then it must be true. I guess it’s easier for her to cope with this version of the truth than my own.
I’m starting to live my reality these days it’s a big step. I am who I am, and I won’t apologise for it. But it would be nice if in 2019 people see me for who I am, and not who they want me to be.
Happy New Year all.
Childhood Trauma 